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What To Lift?

March 23, 2013

Don’t worry dude it looks natural…can I borrow your milk jug?

I am the only one who ever notices how some dudes at the gym always look very puzzled when attempting to select a free weight to lift? The goofy bastards tend to stare hard at the assortment of weights, as if they are checking out the spice rack at Publix? What to choose? Hmm….maybe if  I pick the 75lb weight for bicep curls, they may rupture my biceps and tear my GD arm off…better play it safe and stick with the 30 pounders. I am gonna need you guys to learn to make a damn decision and move the hell outta my way. I know what the hell I can do, I don’t need three minutes of self-reflection between sets. Choosing a weight to lift is not like deciding which girl you wanna marry for the first time. Not every choice in life has to be this huge production that defines who you are. To be honest, the weight lifting bands are just as good and give you a nice pump. Some dudes also like to baby sit some equipment for way to long, the decline bench is not a massage table padre. Please man the hell up and pick a damn weight! I will once again provide some helpful gym tips…enjoy!

Gym Rules 2013

  1. Stop your damn yelling… I don’t need to hear your “man screams”. If you cannot pick up a weight or do a set of exercises, without scaring the shit outta everyone else, stop. These noises usually sound like a really painful orgasm…nobody wants one of those;)
  2. Leave your damn milk jug at home…nobody needs a whole damn gallon of water just to get through one workout. Let’s be honest, most people workout for a little over an hour. So that means just buy a regular bottle, like the rest of America. Milk Jug = D-Bag
  3. Dudes wear shirts with sleeves…I don’t give a shit about seeing your muscles, you don’t impress me. Who are you trying to impress anyways? The dudes in the gym? You will not see Jay Z walking around handing out damn bank statement business cards. So just wear a t-shirt like the rest of us.
  4. Ladies keep your thong inside your pants…especially if your fat and or fine. I can’t concentrate with a hard on if your workout involves a thong out. I also cannot get a hard on if all I see is your ass cleavage, sticking out on the larger ladies.
  5.  Parents keep your kids outta the “Big Boy Room”, if you are not with them. You won’t catch me running around like a jackass at Chuck E Cheese, tying up the kids shit. So show the rest of us the same respect.
  6. What is up with your huge ass luggage bag o shit? Leave that damn thing at home, and yes it makes you look like a d-bag. Betcha this is the milk jug guy;)
  7.  Stop making love to yourself in the mirror while lifting…guys and ladies that do this just creep me out. ” I am just checking my form”, Bullshit Amigo.
  8. Rack your weights…look I don’t want to clean up after you!
  9. Stop lubing the equipment with wipes…one or two will do the trick. There is no need to give the machine a “Cleaning Hand Job”, just move along.
  10. This is a personal one. To the guy  who asks me if I am using the machine, when my ass is on it. Do me a favor and go to Hell…that is The Word.

From → You Ever Notice?

  1. I hate when people drown the equipment in cleaning solution. No one is that dirty!

  2. Thought about this post the other day when a girl at the gym wore a very low-cut tee and a push-up bra. She was doing squats and asked someone to spot her. I know you won’t put it in your list but it should be. 😉

    I kind of wanted to tell her her titties were hanging out of her shirt but I suppose that was the point.

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