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Spider Man Needs To Die Already

February 27, 2013
Chris Cooper (“The Muppets”) has joined the cast of “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” as Norman Osborn, the head of the biotech firm Oscorp whose presence was mentioned but not seen in the 2012 series reboot. Norman Osborn, of course, is the alter ego of the Green Goblin, Spider-Man’s greatest enemy in the comic books. This role was already played by Willem Dafoe in Sam Raimi’s 2002 “Spider-Man.” I only have one question….
Why in the hell do we need another Fu**ing Spider Man movie? Please be honest with yourself…all of them suck. The fact that Hollywood thinks so little of you that they would redo an entire franchise, that you just watched, is beyond me. The epic tale of a superhero with zero self-confidence and propensity for shooting ejaculate out of his paws, has always been stupid as shit to me. If you didn’t see the last new/old Spider-Man…take my word for it, it’s the same GD movie. It’s almost scene for scene the same damn movie that we literally watched less than a decade ago. The only difference is that Academy Award Winning Actor Toby McGuire was replaced with the uber hunk no-name asshole from the Facebook movie. Anyone remember Zuckerburg’s friend in that movie? Me neither…that’s the new Spider-Man. The no-name asshole (aka Andrew Garfield) was not believable as Spider-Man. He was way too dark and mysterious (wink, wink). You know in that skinny, sweater vest, I prefer to drink my herbal tea, while reading The Metamorphosis kinda way. You still with me? If you’re wondering, they killed Uncle Ben again…lol. This poor bastard just cannot keep getting shot over late night Little Debbie Cake runs.  Fans are guaranteed that Spider-Man will continue to fly around from building to building “webbing” the bad dudes. I can also assure you that Spider-Man soundtracks will continue to ear rape us. I can still hear that damn Nickelback song from the first movie and it still gives me the cold sweats.
So do me a favor and BAN all further Spider-Man movies hence forth. If we keep attending these movies the possibilities are quiet scary. I fear that the Twilight movies will be made with Bieber as old Eddie and Miley Cyrus as Bella.  We will be subjected to watch the Transformers movies with Nicholas Cage…lol. Where the hell will it all stop? I can tell you this, Spider-Man 3-D apocalypse will never get my hard-earned money. I prefer to waste it on other things, such as word searches and soft core porn;) Sorry people you did this to yourselves.

Top Reasons Spider-Man Sucks

  1. The costume is lame as hell…The dude look like a Mexican luchador with no package.
  2. After all that shit…did he ever even have sex with Mary Jane? If he did, describe what happens during climax;)
  3. Spider-Man let the 70’s Show guy and Sol from Pineapple Express whoop his ass.
  4. He could not even save Uncle Ben!
  5. Spider-Man takes pictures of himself and then sells those to a newspaper.
  6. Spider-Man’s favorite band is Nickelback.
  7. Spider-Man always seems like he wants to cry for some odd reason.
  8. Spider-Man could be killed by almost anything.
  9. The franchise is so tired…Toby McGuire would not even play Spider-Man again.
Never forget the man that Spider-Man brings….you bastard!

From → Movies

  1. I’ll admit Spiderman is no Batman… but from a woman’s perspective, I still think he’s pretty cool. I thought Andrew Garfield was great in the Social Network! And Spiderman has that upside-down kiss! When I go see a movie, that’s really all I want: a good upside-down kiss.

    • Webhead permalink

      You pick the movie and where you want me to hang upside down, cutie

    • ultra 70 permalink

      Spiderman is no Batman?????????
      The Batman movies were unwatchable with the exception of the Dark Knight and the ’89 Batman! Are you guys nuts?!?

  2. As a good friend would say, “talk about beating a dead horse.”

    • It really is just getting silly. When you cannot even tell which movie you own on the DVD release date…time to give up.

  3. Webhead permalink

    If you read the comics like I did, you’d think differently about how sucky he is. Yes, I admit the movies could have been better. But unfortunately, Spidey is now going through an Adam West faze thanks to all the soccer moms out there!

  4. karl permalink

    You’re wasting your time! These people can’t read!

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