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Watch This – The Hurry Cane

October 10, 2012

Once in a great moon, we the people are treated to the funniest infomercials that define the biggest  piece of shit products on the market. I think we all remember the “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” one.  Maybe the all-time greatest was that damn juicer or maybe the Extense penis pills. I don’t know what it is about these things, I just get sucked in…lol. Well  I have another one…the Hurry Cane promo. Now, let me just say this post is stupid, I don’t know why I feel the need to write 300 plus words about a cripple cane…I just do;) I saw this fine infomercial the other day in between ESPN’s 30 for 30 special on the 1988 Olympic Games and I almost died laughing.

First, watch the video!

Second, read why this infomercial is some funny shit, will break it down for you. Hopefully, one of my tens of fans was a marketing major in college and they can defend my post. I present to you my points!

  • It’s the fastest selling cane…as if there is a massive cane marketing war taking place and the Hurry Cane is on top!
  • Grand Ma fastens the Hurry Cane to the ground using the Hurry Cane’s patented suction technology(which is basically three damn suction cups) to the ground so she can then be hands free to pick up a grocery item. If you need a damn cane to stand, WTH are you doing letting go of your cane? If your ass is too weak to stand without the aid of a cane, what makes me think you’re then strong enough to pull three super sucker cups from a barber shop floor? Same scene the able-bodied 40-year-old chick stops to look back as to say “Hey that’s one sweet ass cane”.
  • This is an all terrain cane…lol. This SOB will scale mountains, repel water and snow, crush ants, and kill a deer from 40 yards out. How is the hell do the suction cups adhere to sand? Brilliant!
  • Grandma whips the Hurry Cane out of her back like a concealed tech 9 at the local Denny’s. She then unfolds her Hurry Cane and takes off without “father time”. I mean WTH kinda old battle axe just leaves her man behind to pay the bill, while she hauled ass to the Cadillac?
  • The sweet old black woman just flat-out lied! No person has ever asked “where did you get that cane” unless it’s made of like elephant tusk or titanium alloy.

So my advice to the Seniors is save your money! Please don’t be fooled by these false promises of greater mobility and hot women asking you about your cane. I say invest your money in a power-scooter that has flames that shoot outta the exhaust. Maybe the scooter could a family sticker with crossbones over the dead family members…some chrome wheels and a built-in whiskey snorkel. That may friends is riding in style, That is The Word!!!!!!!

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6 Comments
  1. Meghan permalink

    Just give em a toilet plunger on a broom handle! Cheap and easy! Also a multi purpose tool!

    • Great idea! I personally would like to have a cane with blinkers, so I could blink in one direction and go in another:)

  2. Anonymous permalink

    The Hurrycane does not have a suction base moron!

  3. footsieb permalink

    If you had ever had a regular cane slide out on a damp floor, you might appreciate more than one contact point with the floor. As for sand, etc. If it helps walking on it, then all the better. I have stood in the parking lot at the beach (we live on the coast side), wishing I had something that would allow me to go onto the beach. No such luck.

  4. Anonymous permalink

    True the hurry cane does not have suction cups and try to have it stand on a cobble stone street

  5. Anonymous permalink

    Commentaries like this are funny until you or someone you love dearly relies on a cane. And to counter one of your points, my mom JUST had someone ask her where she got her cane.

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