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Things I Learned From My Cruise

October 7, 2012


To my tens of fans, I apologize for the lack of Word knowledge this last week, but somehow, I imagine, all of you survived just fine;) I was on a week-long cruise of the Western Caribbean with my wife, a pirate named Captain Morgan, his partner in crime Sailor Jerry, and how could I forget Mr.Crown Royal. For my money, Crown Royal is the only good thing to ever come out of Canada! That and maybe the opportunity to ridicule Nickelback fans at every turn.

I enjoyed a real authentic Mexican meal right on the beach at a local dive while sipping on a Dos Equis. My wallet was raped in Grand Cayman because I was to dumb to remember a little thing called currency exchange. It turns out the all-powerful American dollar is worth only 88 cents over there…lol. So my dumbass was treated to a 45 dollar lunch that consisted of a burger and two below average mixed drinks. However, everything wasn’t all bad. I saw the sunset over the water and slept on a kids twin bed for a week. I walked on 70’s disco carpeting and I got to sit on leather couches that I somehow remember from my porn watching days. Don’t worry those days have long passed;) I was photographed at every damn turn like a local celebrity. I would be sitting there just eating a crab cake…BOOM now it’s picture time. I met a lot of good people from all over the place and I even got to watch the debates.

Let me just say this was my first cruise and it seems like a pretty even split yes/no when you ask someone if they have ever been on a cruise. So since this excursion is fresh on my mind, I felt today would be a good day to pass along some cruise tips. I know everyone has or will have different experiences, but these are some of my key observations that may help! So these may not be universal but these are some things I expericeinced…leave me a comment and let me know if you have ever ran into any of these. Thanks for reading as always and please help me spread the Word!

Cruise Tips 2012 – Carnival Paradise

  1. There are no sport channels on the ship. This was absolute torture for me, I felt like I was missing a limb. All they had on TV was soccer and you know how I feel about soccer.
  2. Tons of overweight people with bad, bad sunburns.
  3. You eat a metric shit-ton, there is food around you at all times.
  4. The first question everyone asks is “Where are you from?”…by mid week you can just make some shit up. I think that I was from Queens, NY and Compton, CA by mid-week. Hey, a man needs his respect!
  5. I saw a lady with ass implants and her man Vin Diesel.
  6. Be prepared to eat off of prison style plates and wait in long ass lines for chicken fingers.
  7. Expect that if your woman sees another woman drinking little mixed drinks with umbrellas…you’re ass will be in for an expensive drink bill.
  8. There are kids everywhere. I thought school was in, but I guess they are handing out school cruise passes.
  9. Nothing moves fast. The boat goes slow and so do the days, so it’s a good and a bad thing.
  10. We the American people are simply getting rammed when we hit the liquor store…lol. They sell that shit half price in Mexico. So if you’re a drunk, please check out Mexico.
  11. They pay a ton for gas over there, trust me it’s scary.
  12. Be prepared for random farm animals to just be poking around.
  13. Bring sunscreen…I saw a lot of  moobs ( moobs = man boobs) that were burned.
  14. Don’t waste two grand on kissing dolphins…you could just kiss some big guys moobs, probably the same feeling.
  15. Expect tons of 80’s lame ass music, I mean they play it all;)



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  1. I love your writing style! You are so funny! But I suspect that the cruise line you are yelping will not be clamoring to hire you to do their marketing any time soon! lol! But you did kinda make me wanna check it out! Did you say no sports channels? lol! Shhh don’t tell my husband!

  2. You know, it was probably a good thing the boat was going so slow. I’ve been on fast tiny boats and the seasickness is first rate! The weather was pretty crappy last week. I hope you didn’t have much of it while you were down here! I was prancing around in my lovely Target rain boots all week!

    • Yeah the weather was so-so but mostly ok. Small boats are the worse I totally agree. It’s funny just a little rocking and people act like it’s the end of the world. I wonder WTH their sex lives are like;)

      • tauromaja permalink

        Their sex lives sound like my first time.


  3. Ha! I love number 4. Why is it that whenever you go on vacation people ALWAYS want to know where you’re from? These people actually derive some satisfaction from thinking their hometown might be bigger or better-known than someone else’s. Fortunately, when I throw down the Chicago card those other tourists shut up.

  4. So cool you were on a cruise! Loved everything about your post right down to the moobs. You described everything so well, I feel as though I’ve been on a cruise now and no longer have the desire to go. Welcome home. … P.S. – my mp3 player with the one and only Nickelback song I own fell into a glass of water last week and was ruined. I want to know how you did that.

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