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Top Reasons Spider Man Sucks

July 7, 2012

Let me just say that I have never been a huge Spider Man fan. I have always been confused why so many people actually like this guy. The main charter ole Peter Parker is pretty much a big pussy who got lucky and attained the spidey powers. Let us take a closer look at Peter’s powers, what can he really do beside swing around? The SOB is not tuff or really overly strong. All he can do is shoot spidery ejaculate at will outta his palms. Spider Man has  hairy palms to get the super adhesion he always seems to have. There is an old legend of how guys get hairy palms…don’t know the answer? Just ask any man and he can probably tell you what hairy man palms represent. Since the new movie came out this week, I felt Spider Man was overdue for a reality check.

Top Reasons Spider-Man Sucks

  1. The costume is lame as hell…The dude look like a Mexican luchador with no package.
  2. After all that shit…did he ever even have sex with Mary Jane? If he did, describe what happens during climax;)
  3. Spider-Man let the 70’s Show guy and Sol from Pineapple Express whoop his ass.
  4. He could not even save Uncle Ben!
  5. Spider-Man takes pictures of himself and then sells those to a newspaper.
  6. Spider-Man’s favorite band is Nickelback.
  7. Spider-Man always seems like he wants to cry for some odd reason.
  8. Spider-Man could be killed by almost anything.
  9. The franchise is so tired…Toby McGuire would not even play Spider-Man again.

 

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99 Comments
  1. 1 word: AGREED…

  2. Uh-oh, I think we may have to duel.

    • Anytime you,re ready! I need someone to challenge/check my BS. Thanks for reading the old stuff!!!!

      • Webhead permalink

        Sup Mike, I am here to address all your complaints…..

        1.Yes, it’s not the greatest of costumes, I preferred the black and white outfit. However, I love the mask. Unlike other masks, you can’t see his face at all. Which makes his look creepier. I like creepy.

        Plus, have you seen what Robin looked like in the early days? C’mon, give the ol’ wallcrawler some credit!

        2.He has given MJ more rides than Greyhound. At least in the comics…..

        as far as climax? You might wanna take that up with censorship. LOL

        3.Gotta agree with you on this one. But that’ll happen when you cast people out of a hat. Although I think the dance number in Spiderman 3 did more damage than any villain could.

        4.He wasn’t Spiderman yet! He’s your typical teenager. They usually think nothing bad will ever happen to them.

        5.And you wouldn’t?

        6.Nickelback is NOBODY’s favorite band

        7.What do you expect? His uncle’s dead cause he screwed up, he has no money and Maryjane (in the Rami movies) was a b**ch.

        8.That’s why we Spidey fans love him. Other heroes always have backup or too many powers. I mean why bother facing Superman without kryptonite unless you enjoy getting your face bashed in.

        9.The franchise was done by a horror movie guy. If censors allowed Rami to do a darker scarier movie the franchise would’ve been more like the comicbook.

        And if you thought the Spiderman movies were lame, wait till Batman vs Superman!

  3. What the crap would happen if he was in Nebraska, swing around the one biggest building and be like: :Sorry down there, can’t help you!” lol

    • The Real Spiderman permalink

      i have never been to nebraska.

      • Pete Parker permalink

        Damn you, Doc Ock! First you take over my life, then you take over my career as spidey and to top it off you tried to bang maryjane!

        Although the last part i kinda get.

  4. Anonymous permalink

    if you want to make this more convincible you need to have evidence behind all these lame reasons why you hate him.

    t

  5. crash permalink

    Hey Mike, think your problem is with the movies about Spidey. I agree with you about most of it. The true Spider man I grew up with was the comics. He got laid all the time, beat a man so bad, he crippled him., and the only time he cried was when Gwen Stacy was killed. And even then he was so full of rage he nearly beat the Green Goblin to death.

    Check out the comics from from the seventies and eighties. He finally grew up, he stopped whinning and became the hero he was meant to be. At least until that Ultimate crap came out and ruined the character.

  6. Webhead permalink

    I can give you ten reasons Spider Man rocks!

    1)Hot girlfriends, Gwen, Maryjane, Black, etc.

    2)He has awesome powers. Especially his Spider sense.

    3)He has the coolest villians like Green Goblin and Venom

    4)He’s the only super hero that’s actually funny

    5)His secret identity is always screwing up his personal life. Unlike Superman and Batman where everything comes easily.

    6)He’s taught us that no matter how bad the odds you can still win. Like his battle with Juggernaut and Firelord. Two bad guys that have twenty times his powers.

    7)He has some of the best stories like being buried alive, getting amnesia , and the death of Gwen Stacy.

    8)The cartoons, with the exception of Unlimited and Ultimate were great.

    9)He usually is forced to face danger alone. Rarely has backup to turn to.

    10)Takes pictures of himself and gets paid for it!!!!!!!!!!
    C’mon, aside from taking pictures of swimsuit models, what better job could you ask for?

    • Luke Wilson permalink

      Umm false about he’s not the only superhero that’s funny there’s deadpool which is way more funny than spiderman

      • Webhead permalink

        Oh c’mon without Spidey, there’d BE no deadpool!

      • Andy permalink

        Please. Deadpool’s fucking annoying

    • Luke Wilson permalink

      Plus does spiderman get paid billions for takin a pic maybe 10 cents at the most SPIDERMAN SUCKS ASS people batman doesn’t need superpowers to kick ass guys spiderman jst got lucky he’s an emotional piece of shit

      • Webhead permalink

        No he just needs money and an army of ten year old Robins

      • Hardy's Bane permalink

        Batman’s a homo. Why you think Robin never wore pants. Wonder if the “Boy Wonder” ever thought about that.

    • And Mary Jane is not that hot compared to the lovers of green arrow, batman has thousands cause he gets bitches and have u seen Anne Hathaway in batman dark knight rises 😍

      • Webhead permalink

        Yes, and Julie Newmarr is way hotter.

    • The Real Spiderman permalink

      5 more reasons
      1) Andrew Garfield could suck my spider-cock
      2) I appeal to pedophiles
      3) Aunt May’s bangin bod (i touch myself to her college pix)
      4) snapped that bitch gwen stacey’s neck
      5) i am relatable

  7. Jorge permalink

    Don’t agree with this one bit, Spider-Man defines the word “Amazing” he’s taught all of is that you keep fighting no matter what. Why the hell would you make this article? Probably some batman fanboy who has nothing better to do but to hate on the world greatest hero.

    • Webhead permalink

      I think many think Spidey blows because all they know is the movies and and that god awful Ultimate Spiderman cartoon.

      What’s Marvel’s problem?

      Can’t they make something that stays true to the character?

    • Luke Wilson permalink

      Umm did spiderman defeat the whole justice league and he almost died by venom I mean venom is cool but he sucks ass just whack a damn pole an he’s dead if it was batman in that fight he would’ve whacked a pole 10 days ago

      • Webhead permalink

        No Batman was sloppy enough to let the bad guys get ahold of his notes on how to kill the justice league.

        “Superman, I did this to you!”

        Nice going Bats…

    • Spider Superior permalink

      Hey c’mon! HE’s the GODDAMN BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!

  8. Luke Wilson permalink

    Ure totally right he sucks and batman would kick his ass because spiderman can actually be takin down by a bullet and look at his enemies his worst villain is an alien that all u have to do is whack a pole and he’s dead and sandman all u have to do is pretty much poor water on him to beat him batman fuckin faces demons, serial killers, the whole justice league team and masterminds plus he also kicks ass because he’s god damn BATMAN all batman needs to do is shoot him and spray him with some raid

    • Webhead permalink

      Could be worse. Spidey could wear his underwear over his pants

    • George permalink

      Think Batman could teach you how to write english???

    • Nascar Sucks permalink

      Batman is a pussy. Might as well be Donald Trump in a cape

  9. Webhead permalink

    Okay, it’s late so I’ll be brief.

    This is why I like Spidey more than Batman:

    1)Batman’s villains are mostly wimps, with few exceptions of course. I mean c’mon, I myself could beat up the Riddler and Penguin. And by the time Two Face decides what to do, Spider man would knock him out.

    2)I’ve lost track how many times Superman has saved his Batbutt from certain death.

    3)The recruiting ten year olds is getting old.

    4)Spidey doesn’t have rubber nipps

    5)Ben Affleck…… Need I say more?

    But hey, in Batman’s defense, the Joker is probably the coolest villain ever. I’ll give you that one.

    However, my fan of the Bat. Treasure your fond memories of Batman. Cause when they finally produce Batman vs Superman, it’s gonna make Schumacher’s Batman & Robin look like The Crow

  10. Crash permalink

    SPIDER MAN RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. hennesy permalink

    Spider Man is probably the coolest character ever! Get some facts before you say he sucks!

  12. George permalink

    I am so sick to death of people getting it wrong about Spiderman, cause they only know the movies. Movies that have been watered down thanks to all those motherf***ing soccer moms out there.

    I heard people say “Spider man’s not supposed to be dark! He’s not Batman or the Punisher!”

    I hear them say, “I hate that Gwen died! WTF??? You screwed up the movie! Gwen’s not supposed to die!”

    And my personal favorite, “Spider man can be killed with no problem..”

    WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! You people know nothing about him!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Spider man has lost his mind and beaten people nearly to death!

    Gwen was the first of many f***ed up dark things to happen to him!

    Spidey has been shot by the Punisher, buried alive by Kraven the Hunter, nearly electricuted by Electro, blown up by the Green Goblin, and almost drowned thanks to Doc Ock!

    Has anybody ever read a Spider man book???????????

    Cause from what I read it sounds like most of you have no clue what you’re talking about!

  13. Anonymous permalink

    fuck no

    • Andy permalink

      Awwww poor thing. You oughtta learn to read

    • chris permalink

      If you never read any of the comics, how can you judge him?

    • George permalink

      It was a rhetorical question, asshole!

  14. jo jo permalink

    If you haven’t read any Spider man comics then you guys should shut up!

  15. Hardy's Bane permalink

    Haters gonna hate, hate, hate,……….

    Spidey # 1

    Except it fool!

  16. Murdock permalink

    I prefer DC to Marvel to be honest. But even I think Spiderman is better than Batman

  17. vince permalink

    Only reason Spiderman has ever sucked is cause of Disney
    Spiderman was always a great character until Disney butchered him like they did to
    the Avengers…

  18. Douglas permalink

    Batman tried to break Spiderman’s wrist and was thrown about seventy feet. Spidey could hurt Batman almost as badly as Schumacher

    • ultra 70 permalink

      We haven’t seen Ben Affleck yet!!!!!!!!!!!

      • MICK permalink

        Oh god, BvS is gonna sux big time!!

  19. pat permalink

    Problem isn’t the character. The problem is portraying the character

  20. Winston permalink

    Spider man is called amazing, spectacular, and sensational for a reason, people!
    NUFF SAID!

  21. Joseph permalink

    You stupid fucking idiot I dare u talk about spiderman like that you fucking cocksucker at least he could get something like gwen unlike ur retarded Ass so fuck u u stupid fuck.

    • big pops permalink

      hehehehe u must be lonely only lonely moms like spiderman they remind them of their youth and little boys wieners

      • Chopper permalink

        Nobody’s THAT lonely, f**k off troll

  22. karl permalink

    What???

  23. Liza permalink

    If you think Spidey sucks now, wait till Disney gets their hands on him!

  24. Superior Spiderman permalink

    The only thing that sucks is Peter Parker, my friends.

  25. Green Goblin permalink

    How could you kill Peter Parker???

    THAT WAS MY JOB!!!

  26. Winston permalink

    lmao!!!

  27. Mary permalink

    I think Spider man has gone downhill cause they still have him trying to get the hang of being a superhero. C’mon get with the program, wallcrawler…

    Other heroes like Iron man, Batman, Superman,…. they are professionals. Spider man’s always making boneheaded mistakes. It’s really getting tiresome.

  28. karl permalink

    But that’s what makes him so awesome! Granted I love other superheroes, but heroes like that get predictable. Why do you think they killed Superman back in the 90’s. The character was getting boring. So was Batman which is why Bane killed him.

    Got no complaints about Ironman, but he was kinda a tool during the civil war

  29. Murdock permalink

    Actually, Bane just broke Batman’s back. Batman didn’t die

  30. Winston permalink

    Actually, Batman died about ten times. Oddly enough he survived that whole Adam West tv show

  31. Liza permalink

    I disagree about what was said before about his powers and outfit being lame, but let’s face it, it’s just dumb luck he survived all this time. And yes I know he was killed in the Other and Superior Spm. But it doesn’t count if he comes back, now does it?

  32. hennesy permalink

    I’m still trying to underdstand why Spiderman is part of the Avengers…..
    I liked him better as a loner

  33. Murdock permalink

    I’ll say this much, when he teamed up with Superman and Batman, I was in nerd heaven!

  34. chris permalink

    Wolverine would kick his a$$ Remember Spider man vs Wolverine? Wolverine beat him like a bass drum!

  35. karl permalink

    The hell he did. Spider man backed down so he wouldn’t kill him. And in Secret Wars he fought the entire X-men to a standstill. Wolverine’s nothing but a lowlife claiming to be a hero

  36. Did you read Origin? He had a seriously fked up childhood, y’know

  37. karl permalink

    My point exactly!

  38. chris permalink

    Spider man’s a wuss. Spider man just got lucky Wolverine didn’t wanna kill him. And Captain America’s a punkass for busting his chops. Cap’s a patriotic bleeding heart turd that needs a bitch slapping!

    Yeah, I know Wolverine killed a kid, but it was a kid apocalypse for christ’s sake!

  39. wOLverine’s my favorite X-man I’ll give you that, but wasp said it best. “Never should have made him an Avenger”

  40. vince permalink

    Spider man’s a wuss? If it wasn’t for his healing factor, he would have been found dead after fighting Wendigo and the Hulk! When was the last time Wolverine beat anybody like Juggernaut or Firelord, or Mephisto by himself??? Get a clue already!

    • chris permalink

      Oh please! His healing factor IS what makes him the badass he is. Like Spiderman would do any better!

  41. vince permalink

    Hell, they should have never made him an X-MAN!!!!!!!

  42. Bud permalink

    Deadpool already killed Wolverine! True it was some alternate universe, but it still counts!

  43. chris permalink

    and how many times has spiderman been killed?

    • vince permalink

      Did you miss th part about Juggernaut and Firelord? How many times did Spidey have to face people alone? Wolverine could never do any of that without the help of the X-man

  44. karl permalink

    Yeah but, when Wolverine got killed nobody cared. I don’t remember many being so upset like when Ock became Spidey

  45. vince permalink

    yeah, I took sick leave cause of that loll

  46. Mary permalink

    Thank god Peter is back. I really didn’t like Superior too much. And why was it so hard for everyone to figure out what had happened. He went from saying stuff like,

    “Hey Hobgoblin, you should do something about that jaundice” to

    “How did you manage to acquire the cunning to evade my spiderbots? EXPLAIN!!!”

    And the Avengers are supposed to protect us??

    Better get a more expensive alarm system!

  47. Winston permalink

    LMAO

  48. hennesy permalink

    Yeah Dan Slott sucks as a writer

  49. Charlie permalink

    Are you fucking crazy???
    Spiderverse is awesome!!!
    Dan has made Spidey stories that has knocked people on their ass!!!!!!!!!

  50. webbing's sticky permalink

    More like butchering our childhood
    Spoiler Alert! He murdered Spider man & his amazing friends!
    Not to mention several other versions!

    Seriously WTF??

  51. MAX permalink

    Please kill ultimate Spiderman. I can’t take that show anymore

  52. Spiderman permalink

    Your a jerk.

  53. MAX permalink

    I said ULTIMATE Spiderman. You’re the original, I respect that. lol

  54. Dominic Fortune permalink

    Let’s hope Homecoming can fix whatever’s wrong with Spiderman.

    Personally, I like BOTH actors that portrayed him.

  55. Buttman & Rubber permalink

    Whoops! Wrong thread…

  56. spidergwen permalink

    HOMECOMING!!!! OMG! CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!!

  57. Charlie permalink

    I take it, ur excited. lol

    Don’t know if I like where this new version is going. Guess we’ll have to wait n see

  58. Dominic Fortune permalink

    I just hope the film focuses on Spidey and not so much on the avengers.

  59. MAX permalink

    We need to see a new villain. Rumor has it Kraven will be in it.

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